ADK

Thank you for tonight! ;)

Right now

That pain I feel in my heart at least reminds me that I still have one. Its when I feel nothing in my heart that I know I have truly lost.

He looks at his cell phone and searches the numbers for something he knows is not there. Passes through old names and forgotten possibilities. They reinforce the emptiness he feels deep inside. Many of the listed names and numbers were once labels of hope. Many offered an unspoken word that dissolved shortly there after. He scrolls down the list and with witness to each disassociated contact he feels his stomach sink. Cant bring himself to delete them for they represent a slight hope that they may eventually call. Finally he comes across some familiar numbers not like those others. Numbers of those who enrich his life but cannot offer completion to his desires. Numbers of family and friends; as thankful as he may be, they do not gratify him. So there he sits, alone, quiet, uneasy and anxious.

I'm not sure why you pushed me away. I tried to talk to you, to learn the things that make you tick. I wanted to be your friend. I wanted to be the one who holds your hand and makes you smile. You put up a wall, shielded yourself and went on the offensive. I became frustrated by how you played me out, under appreciated my sincerity and made me feel unworthy of your attention. All I can say now is good luck to you in the future! If you treat people that way, you will be lonely for a very long time. I know it wasn't my fault (yeah I know I'm a really nice guy). I know I can have long conversations and its the person on the other end that listens and is listened too that makes the difference. I will never engage myself in such a one sided relationship ever again. You are such a hypocrite to think you are above it all. You think you are so smart, that you're so much better than everyone else; you are not that special! What you don't realize is that you are the cause of all that ails you! Let the wind stiffen your sails and all that other BS. You write empty hollow words and you speak nonsense. Yeah my blogs are just momentary snapshots of emotion so you shouldn't read into them too much. YOU probably even think this blog is about YOU (are you getting the fact I think you are self centered by using caps)! I'm not even sure why you are reading this. And if you are, I'm sure it has pissed you off. Good! Ask yourself why you are still reading my blogs and ask yourself why this one stirs up what you are feeling right now!

Lets see what you have to say! TALK TO ME <---- remember that?

LAME

As the sun rises in the east, the tall trees that block its warmth cast long shadows across rocky soil. A ballet of light and shadow dance upon the ground as the breeze teases leaf laden limbs. The sound of the leaves rustling are like that of a babbling brook. Its early dawn but already I can feel the warmth of the gravel under my sandals. The scent of fresh jasmine delicately fills the air. Its in these subtle moments that I think of you, that I daydream of sharing my heart, my dreams, my passion.

I felt comfortable as I held you in my arms last night. We talked for hours and exchanged moments of openness, of our vulnerabilities. Time seemed to evade us as the hours passed, unnoticed. We became entangled in in our hopes, our willingness to believe in the possibility of mutual desires and dreams. My heart raced and I felt no need to hide my feelings, to shield my emotions. Your hand pressed in mine, fingers intertwined, you felt my lips gently against your neck.

GOOD RIDDANCE TO BAD RUBBISH!

I long to feel your velvet lips pressed against mine, interlocked in transitory moments of intoxication. The warmth of your body radiating from the friction between us. To gently graze your cheek with my fingertips as I whisper sumptuous tranquilities in your ear . The mutual embrace of desire, of passion. Experiencing a chemical reaction of our emotions mixing, enveloping into unison.....

One by one, I slowly check off things that needed my attention. Such things that were past due, ignored, arose suddenly and have requested resolution. These are the things that chew at my heals as I try to evade. They wont just go away, they need to be faced. I am chipping away at the buildup of my procrastinations. I'm not sure what has now driven me to move forward with such momentum. I have immersed myself in this feeling of motivation which wraps around me like a warm blanket. I am releasing myself from the confines of my own creations. The world is slowly revealing itself to my desires and I can see clearer and clearer with each item I check off.

How does one go about making their ambitions known to the world?

I hold you in my heart. I think about you in the quiet moments before I drift into sleep. I long for your touch, your embrace and your acceptance. I wish I could show you the things I feel, the meanings behind my actions. Trust is not something that comes easy and I understand that. Hearts have scars and healing wounds which need time to mend. My hands are gentle, my thoughts are caring and the words that roll from my lips are truthful. There will be time to nurse your wounds I promise you this. I will stand next to you and hold your hand when the world makes you cry. I will always make time for you when you need a listening ear. I will try my best to make you laugh when you are sad. When I see you smile it warms my heart. My pulse quickens when you are in my presence.

As I stand here and watch them I feel no remorse. They have searched and have seen me from far off. They look for something they desperately desire and see salvation in my offering. Without question they follow my command, joints swollen and muscles aching. Sweat oozes from their pores and their hearts begin to beat hard and fast. A struggle to grasp patterns of breath to sustain their strength (or lack there of). An uncomfortable and rarely felt state of being. The show up day after day, asking for pain, asking for hunger, asking to be hardened like the folding of steel on an anvil. I am the hammer that pounds away on them. They will become strong, polished, and sharp. They WILL reach their goals and will become finely tuned instruments of their ambition.

I feel vibrant, alive, full of life and excitement. My body strong, my mind sharp, and my passions abundant. I am thankful for each breath that God allows me to inhale. Humble I feel the need to give some bit of what I have been granted to those less fortunate than myself. Its amazing how just a little effort on behalf of those more fortunate can impact another life. Give when you can, help when you are available, counsel when your experiences are in need. Enrich the lives of those around you. If you live by this rule the world can become a better place to live. The simple efforts on the part of the word could end hunger and famine. I use a term I heard once at a Dave Mathews concert. As we were leaving the venue, the cars trying to leave the lot backed up. The car next to us allowed us to pull ahead of them. A man poked his head out the passenger window with a smile and said "Please pay it forward". We in turn allowed the next car ahead of us and we repeated the saying "pay it forward". To our surprise this dominoed. We could hear the words bounce from car to car. Everyone working together in unison amazingly cleared the lot faster than I could have ever imagined and everyone was happy and stress free. I now try to live by this saying! "Pay it forward". Give it a try, smile at someone today and say hello. Ask them to "pay it forward" and have them do the same with at least one other person. Kindness can be infectious and has all kinds of great side effects! Thanks for listening.

Simplify your life. Eliminate those you cause you drama. Surgically carve the tumors from your being. Life is too short to focus good energy on bad people. Those who cause you pain and anguish should be vanquished from your daily interactions. False friends, bad family, attachments to ex-girlfriends or ex-boyfriends. Some things that people do should not be forgiven and those who partake in these offenses should not be allowed return passage into our lives. Do not fall into the delusions of your mendacious desires. Focus on what has been wrongfully committed and what should not be forgotten. Your life will be richer and more vibrant when your time and efforts are focused on those who love and care for you.

If I focus my time on you, its because I care about you.

Love is not earned by one person, it is a shared effort! A mutual commitment and equal dedication between two people. A partnership between two people who have each others sincerest interest at heart and a desire to share life experiences. You don't find love, it finds you.

Vivere la vita e di amore! La vita è troppo breve per non indulgere con amore e passione. Il mondo è il vostro tela, gli amici e la famiglia sono le tue pitture e la vostra vita è il pennello. Dipingere un quadro felice!

Preoccupied by my intentions and not seeing what I need to. I grow weary of the future, of things I demand and desire. No return for my efforts, my drawn out engagement wears thin like the slow unraveling of a length of rope under tension. Tearing of the fibers the rope becomes weaker, never to support the load it once did. Frayed. My emotions harden and my heart seeps deep into my chest. I turn my head and shield my eyes. My knees bloodied and bruised from kneeling. This thing I punish myself with is it truly my fate? Is there the strength within my withered and writhing body to stand up straight, to move forward and endure the pain. I ask myself "Will the outcome of my endeavors be justified by my reward" when there is no promise of fulfillment. Will I walk slowly into the darkness of humanities cruelest joke. Will I shed these chains that bind me, stretch my limbs and venture out from this darkness. Can I overcome probation and climb to higher ground. Have my prayers fallen upon def ears?

Good intentions misunderstood. A ten foot thick wall that separates us. I hear your words and I try to show you that my interest is sincere. Its not what one says to their significant other at 80 years old but rather the fact that they're there to say it. "Actions speak louder than words" comes to mind. Conversation is important yes and good communication will take you far but without the solidity of being and doing, words have no meaning. I can say a million times what you want to hear. Is that what you want? I am not the manifestation of all those who have wronged you and nor should I be treated as such. I have become frustrated because I can see throw the cracks of this wall and know that there is great value on the other side. I will continue to chisel away at this wall but you have to supply he with the proper tools.